relationship insecurity
relationship insecurity
relationship insecurity Image source-Pexels

While insecurity is a feeling, and not a fact, a lot of relationships suffer from common relationship problems that can be brought about by relationship insecurity.

Do you feel that your partner’s commitment and loyalty to you is a constant source of worry and anxiety?

The insecurity that comes with relationships is something that almost everyone eventually feels.

To increase trust, solidify your bond, and foster a more fulfilling, balanced relationship, it’s crucial to get it under control.

You can learn to overcome your fears and strengthen your relationship with the right strategies.

In this article, we’ll go over seven strategies to help you overcome insecurities, build trust, and strengthen your relationship with your partner.

Before we get to how to transform these insecurities into bliss, let’s first look at what relationship insecurity means, possible causes of insecurity, and the signs that you or your partner may be insecure in your relationship.

What does relationship insecurity mean?

Relationship insecurity is the feeling of doubt or uncertainty about the security, safety, or stability of a romantic relationship.

It might show up in a variety of ways, including jealousy, possessiveness, or a constant need for validation from a partner.

Reasons for insecurity in a relationship can be due to a number of things, such as unpleasant past experiences, low self-esteem, or misplaced trust.

For instance, if you’ve been hurt in the past, you might find it difficult to trust your current partner and worry about the stability of your relationship.

Similarly, if you lack confidence in yourself, you might doubt your ability to love and be constantly looking to your partner for validation and reassurance.

Is insecurity in a relationship normal?

It’s crucial to keep in mind that while some amount of insecurity in a relationship is normal, as a sign of attachment and love, too much of it can strain your bond and be detrimental to your emotional health and that of your partner.

It is also critical to recognise that your emotions are acceptable.

Instead of denying or dismissing your emotions, acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel them. However, it is vital to realise that these are just feelings, not facts.

So, when does normal become excessive? Where do you draw a line? What causes insecurity in a relationship? What are the signs of insecurity in a relationship? How do you overcome insecurity in a relationship?

The rest of this article will attempt to answer these questions and provide more information on how to transform your insecurities into unforgetable bliss.

What causes relationship insecurity?

Causes of insecurity in relationships can be due to various factors, with the most common being:

Past experiences

Due to past experiences, such as traumatic or unfavourable relationships, which can have a long-lasting impact on your mental and emotional health, you might feel uncomfortable in current or future relationships.

If your previous relationship was abusive, for instance, whether the abuse was emotional, physical, or psychological, you might be negatively impacted, which could make you feel insecure, nervous, and anxious in your current or future relationships.

This is because it’s possible that these encounters with abuse have left you with long-lasting scars, making you doubt your value and giving rise to feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and trust issues.

These negative experiences can also make you or your partner (as the case may be) more sensitive to criticism or rejection, causing you or your partner to react in a relationship with anxiety, fear, or defensiveness.

Furthermore, past traumas can elicit memories and emotions, making it difficult to be fully present and engaged in your current relationship.

In general, our past experiences shape our beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours in current relationships, and they can influence how we perceive and react to events, leading to insecurity and mistrust.

Lack of trust

Insecurity can be caused by a lack of trust. This is one of the 3 most common relationship problems. When one partner has a history of lying or cheating, a lack of trust can be a significant barrier in a relationship.

It can be challenging for you to regain trust in the relationship after your partner has betrayed you because you may feel hurt, let down, and violated. Because you might think you can never rely on your partner completely again, this can make you feel insecure.

Fear of being betrayed or hurt again can increase anxiety, increase scrutiny of your partner’s actions, and result in a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship.

This can cause you to become emotionally withdrawn and distant, making it difficult for you to open up and fully engage in the relationship, leading to even more insecurities.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can exacerbate insecurity in a relationship. When you have low self-esteem, you may feel inadequate or unworthy, causing you to constantly compare yourself to others and question your value.

This can lead to feelings of insecurity and rejection, making it difficult to fully participate in the relationship.

You may be more sensitive to criticism if you have low self-esteem, making you more likely to take things personally and become defensive. As a result, you may feel like your partner is constantly attacking you, which can lead to arguments and conflict in the relationship.

Furthermore, having low self-esteem can make you overly reliant on your partner for approval and validation, which increases your likelihood of putting up with abusive or negative behaviour.

This kind of dependency can also result in a general lack of emotional intimacy because you might be hesitant to voice your needs and wants, or struggle to be assertive in the relationship., which would only serve to increase your insecurities.

Inadequate communication

Ineffective communication can be a major cause of relationship insecurity. Misunderstandings can result from poor communication because messages may be misunderstood or improperly expressed.

Arguments and conflicts may result because of this confusion and frustration in the relationship.

When there is a breakdown in communication, you might feel alone and unheard, which inhibits emotional intimacy and connection.

This could make you or both of you feel more distant from one another, which would worsen the state of your relationship as a whole.

Furthermore, poor communication can breed mistrust because you may become suspicious of each other’s motives and intentions.

Again, this can result in increased scrutiny of one another’s actions and a general lack of trust in the relationship.

As previously stated, when trust is eroded, it can be difficult to feel secure and confident in the relationship, which can lead to feelings of insecurity.

Ultimately, poor communication can have a significant impact on a relationship’s stability and happiness, leading to misunderstandings, mistrust, and feelings of insecurity.

In order to maintain a healthy relationship, you must communicate effectively.


In a relationship, jealousy can be a major source of insecurity because it makes you feel inferior to others and like you don’t measure up.

This kind of jealousy can result from a lack of self-assurance as well as from a worry that you might lose your partner to someone else.

Jealousy can cause you to become overly possessive or controlling in a relationship, which can result in arguments and conflict.

As a result, the relationship’s general health may suffer, and your partner may feel suffocated.

Additionally, because you might constantly compare yourself to others and feel inadequate, jealousy can also lead to feelings of inadequacy.

This kind of self-doubt can result in low self-esteem and make you emotionally more distant from your partner because you might find it difficult to fully express yourself.

In general, jealousy can be harmful to a relationship because it can cause feelings of insecurity, possessiveness, and conflict.

To keep a strong and fulfilling relationship, it’s critical that you and your partner talk about and get rid of your feelings of jealousy.

Fear of abandonment

One of the main causes of insecurity in a relationship is the fear of abandonment.

It describes a fear of being abandoned or left alone and can result from prior instances of rejection or abandonment.

When you are afraid of abandonment, you may become overly clingy or possessive in your relationship because you are afraid of losing your partner.

As a result, your partner may feel suffocated or resentful of your behaviour, which can lead to arguments and conflicts.

Additionally, you might find it difficult to fully engage in the relationship out of concern that you’ll be hurt or rejected, which can make you emotionally distant.

Because you might be afraid to express your needs and desires, this kind of emotional distance can lead to a lack of intimacy and connection in the relationship.

Unrealistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations can exacerbate feelings of insecurity. It can be challenging to feel secure if you have unrealistic expectations for yourself, your partner, or the relationship.

When it comes to relationships, having expectations that are unlikely to be met in reality can contribute to feelings of insecurity because when those expectations are not met, you may feel disappointed, frustrated, and inadequate.

For example, assuming you have an unreasonable expectation that your partner will always be there for you, you might feel insecure if they have plans with friends or family. Feelings of abandonment and rejection could result from this irrational expectation.

If, on the other hand, you have an unrealistic expectation that your partner will always make you happy, you might experience insecurity if that expectation isn’t met. This irrational expectation might make you feel inadequate and let down.

Similarly, if you have an unrealistic expectation of yourself that you will always be perfect and never make mistakes, you may feel insecure and inadequate when you do make mistakes.

Unrealistic expectations can increase feelings of insecurity because they can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and inadequacy when they are not met.

Realistic expectations and open communication with your partner about what you expect from them and yourself can be beneficial.

Social comparison

Jealousy and feelings of insecurity can arise when we judge ourselves against others’ wealth, beauty, success, etc. and discover that we fall short.

Watch the following video in which, relationship expert Matthew Hussey talks about how anxiety can sabotage relationships.

Matthew explains that when someone with an anxious attachment style sees something they don’t like, their brain quickly constructs a story about what’s happening, often based on past experiences and biases.

This can lead to feelings of jealousy, anger, and hurt, which can result in using weapons like the silent treatment or passive aggression to attack their partner.

However, this only leads to animosity and blinds both parties to what’s really going on.

Matthew emphasises that personal responsibility and communicating vulnerabilities in a real and authentic way is key to having a healthy relationship.

Matthew Hussey is a dating coach, author, and speaker who offers advice and strategies to help people improve their dating lives and relationships.

He is known for his bestselling book “Get the Guy” and has appeared on various TV shows and media outlets, including the Today Show, The View, and The New York Times.

What are the signs of relationship insecurity?

Insecurity can show up in different ways in different people, and not every situation will necessarily call for all of the following signs to be present.

Insecurity can also be transient, change over time, be connected to particular situations or events, or be a sign of a more ingrained problem.

Some signs of insecurity in a relationship include:

Constant jealousy or suspicion of your partner

This could take the form of constantly checking your partner’s phone (this video on phone checking will make you think otherwise) or social media, accusing them of infidelity, or being suspicious of their intentions.

If you’re insecure, you might ask your partner, “Why did you talk to that person?” Whenever you see them interacting with someone else.

Possessiveness or controlling behavior

This could include attempting to control or limit your partner’s behaviour or choices, such as dictating who they can spend time with or what they can wear.

For example, if you are insecure, you may prohibit your partner from talking to or seeing a specific person, even if there is no evidence of wrongdoing.

Inability to trust your partner

Even when there is no concrete proof of wrongdoing, this can lead to persistent doubt and questioning.

For instance, even when your partner has a good explanation, if you are insecure you might constantly ask them where they were and what they were doing.

Constant need for reassurance from your partner

For example, you might feel insecure if you don’t receive constant physical attention or validation from your partner, or you might constantly seek their approval.

For instance, if you’re insecure, you might ask your partner frequently, “Do you still love me?” or “Am I good enough for you?”

Fear of losing the relationship

This could lead to ongoing relationship anxiety and worry about the possibility of the relationship ending.

For instance, if you are insecure, you might get upset or anxious when your partner doesn’t answer a text or phone call right away.

Insecurities about your own worth or attractiveness

This could include constantly comparing yourself to others or feeling inadequate, particularly in comparison to your partner.

For example, if you are insecure, you may be self-conscious about your appearance or intelligence and fear that your partner will find someone better.

Difficulty with communication and conflicts within the relationship

This could include having difficulty expressing your feelings or needs, or avoiding conflicts entirely.

For example, if you are insecure, you may avoid discussing issues in your relationship for fear of causing an argument or ending the relationship.

Anxiety about the state of the relationship or fear of being abandoned.

Continual worry about the future of the relationship and the perception that your partner might break up with you may result from this.

For instance, if you are insecure, you might constantly inquire about your partner’s happiness or whether they have any plans to end the relationship.

signs of an insecure person in a relationship are universal and can happen to anyone at some point in a relationship.

The key is to notice when they become excessive, and take action to arrest the situation and protect the relationship.

How do you overcome insecurity in a relationship?

Feeling insecure in a relationship is normal but must not be excessive as this would negatively impact the relationship, and in worst case scenario the relationship may break up.

Hence it is critical to resolve any insecurities and stop feeling insecure.

Although overcoming insecurity in a relationship can be difficult, it is possible with effort and dedication from both partners.

Here are some measures that could help you get over relationship insecurity.

  • Recognize that insecurity is a common human experience
  • Learn to reframe your thoughts
  • Talk to your partner about your insecurity
  • Practice self-compassion
  • Seek professional help

7 steps to transform relationship insecurities

Step 1: Communicate openly and honestly

Being open and honest with your partner is one of the most crucial steps to overcoming insecurity. Talk to them about your feelings and worries, and be sure to pay attention to what they have to say.

For instance, if you’re worried about your partner’s ex, talk to them about it. Request that they reassure you that you are important to them and that the ex is no longer in their lives.

This can promote mutual understanding and trust in the relationship.

Sharing your emotions with your partner can aid in the development of trust and understanding in the relationship. Knowing that your partner is understanding and supportive can help to alleviate feelings of insecurity.

Step 2: Build self-confidence

Low self-worth or self-esteem are frequent causes of insecurity. It’s crucial to work on boosting your self-confidence to get past this.

You can achieve this by giving yourself small, doable goals, taking care of yourself, and surrounding yourself with supportive, upbeat people.

For instance, try to take better care of yourself if you feel self-conscious about your appearance. Put on some makeup or dress in something that makes you feel good about yourself.

To cultivate a positive sense of yourself, your self-esteem, and your self-worth, concentrate on your abilities and achievements. Spend time with uplifting individuals and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself to enhance your self-esteem.

Step 3: Learn to trust

Trust is essential in any healthy relationship, and overcoming insecurity frequently necessitates learning to trust your partner.

This can be accomplished by giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, refraining from jumping to conclusions, and refraining from dwelling on past mistakes.

For instance, it’s crucial to work on restoring trust if your partner has in the past cheated on you.

This could entail establishing boundaries, such as forbidding them from going out alone with people of the other sex (but be careful not to be controlling), or requesting that they be more forthcoming with their activities.

Step 4: Give your partner space

Giving your partner space is another crucial step in overcoming insecurity. This entails not being overly possessive or controlling and allowing your partner to have their own interests and relationships outside of the relationship.

For instance, permit your partner to go out with friends for the evening if they so desire. Don’t check in on them via phone call or text message every now and then as this can send a signal of mistrust to your partner.

Step 5: Practice forgiveness.

Past hurt or betrayal can exacerbate insecurity, so it’s critical to practise forgiveness in order to overcome it.

Try to forgive your partner, for instance, if you’re still bitter about something they did. Put the past behind you and concentrate on restoring the relationship’s trust.

You should also forgive yourself for any past mistakes and concentrate on moving forward. Remember that no one is perfect and that making mistakes is normal.

Step 6: Practice self-compassion and self-care

When you are feeling insecure, be kind and understanding to yourself. Recognize that everyone experiences insecurity from time to time, and that it is a normal part of the human experience.

Practicing self-compassion can help you to be kind and understanding with yourself when you experience feelings of insecurity. Speak to yourself in a kind and understanding way.

Instead of berating or criticising yourself for feeling insecure, try speaking to yourself in a kind and understanding manner.

For example, you could tell yourself, “I recognise that I am feeling insecure right now, and that is fine. I’m doing everything I can.”

It’s critical to constantly remind yourself that feeling insecure is exactly that; a feeling, not a fact. Even though it’s a sign that something needs to be resolved, the relationship is not doomed as a result.

Also, remember that practising self-compassion doesn’t involve making out that everything is fine; rather, it entails accepting the truth and being kind to yourself as you process challenging emotions.

Step 7: Address underlying issues and seek professional help

For instance, if you discover that your insecurity is caused by a traumatic event in your past, consider seeking therapy to resolve it.

Insecurity can be a sign of deeper problems such as trauma, depression, or anxiety. In order to overcome insecurity, it is critical to address these underlying issues.

This can be accomplished by seeking therapy, consulting with a doctor, or, if necessary, taking medication.

If on the other hand your insecurity is causing major issues in your relationship, it may be beneficial to seek professional assistance.

A therapist or counsellor can help you identify the underlying causes of your insecurity and develop coping strategies.


If your insecurities are ruining your relationship, identifying the underlying cause of your feelings of insecurity can help you to understand why you are feeling the way you do and to develop strategies to address them.

For you to be able to overcome insecurities, you have to understand that there are many causes of relationship insecurity.

For example, feelings of insecurity in a current relationship may be influenced by past experiences, such as those from a previous relationship or childhood.

How to deal with insecurities in a relationship can be challenging.

Insecurity can show up in different ways in different people, and can also be dynamic, change over time, be connected to particular situations or events, or be a sign of a more ingrained problem.

It’s critical to remember that relationship insecurity is a feeling, not a fact. Always ask yourself if what you are insecure about is real or just a figment of your imagination, and if it is the latter, which it usually is, give yourself a break and enjoy a blissful, healthy relationship.

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