Contempt in a relationship is an example of emotional abuse that can have long-term consequences for the recipient. Contemptuous behaviour can have a negative influence on your mental and physical health.
The effects of contempt in a relationship can be severe. Whether you are the victim or perpetrator of contempt in your relationship, you must identify, address, and rid your relationship of contemptuous behaviour. Continue reading to discover how.
Understanding Contempt in a Relationship
What Is Contempt In a Relationship?
Contempt in a relationship is a pattern of behavior that usually involves one partner consistently treating the other with scorn, disrespect, or a lack of regard. However, this behavior may be displayed by both partners.
Contempt is one of the most toxic emotions that can arise in a relationship. It can result from, or be the cause of, emotions of anger, frustration, and resentment, and it can eventually cause a breakdown in trust and intimacy between partners.
Contempt is among the most damaging elements that can develop in a relationship . When one spouse believes the other is treating them with contempt, it can lead to emotions of worthlessness, hopelessness, and despair.
Contempt is especially harmful since it displays a complete lack of respect for the other person and can damage the emotional connection and trust that exists between spouses.
How can contempt be both the cause and the result of resentment?
Contempt leading to resentment
When someone persistently exhibits contempt towards another person, such as by ridiculing, belittling, or condescension, it can generate a sense of injustice and abuse in the person being targeted, leading to resentment.
Assuming your partner’s disrespectful actions have made you feel belittled, dismissed, or disrespected, you might become agitated and frustrated with them.
If these emotions are not addressed, they might eventually develop into resentment, which would damage the relationship even more.
Contemptuous behaviour can be viewed as unjust and insulting, leading to resentment towards the individual displaying contempt.
Resentment leading to contempt
On the other hand, disrespectful behaviour may be a sign of underlying resentment and anger.
For instance, if you have long standing unmet needs in your relationship, such as feeling unappreciated or unsupported, you might start acting contemptuously.
Resentment caused by perceived unjust or mistreatment by another person might develop into contempt over time.
If anger is not addressed or resolved, it can result in an unfavourable perception of the other person’s character, competency, or worth, which may show up as contempt.
When contempt is a result of anger, frustration and resentment, contemptous behavior would likely manifest as a form of defence mechanism, or protest.
More on contempt and resentment later.
The Effect of Contempt in a Relationship
The consequences of contempt in a relationship can be disastrous.
Whether you are the victim or perpetrator of contempt in your relationship, you must identify, resolve, and rid your relationship of contemptous behavior.
Contempt is a form of emotional abuse that can cause long-term harm to the recipient. Your partner’s contemptuous behavior can seriously impact both your mental and physical well-being.
Mental Health Issues
Here are some ways that contemptuous behavior can impact your mental health:
Low self-esteem – When your partner habitually treats you with disrespect, it can make you feel unlovable, unworthy of love, and unworthy of respect.
This may cause a gradual decline in your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Anxiety and depression – Feelings of worry and despair can be exacerbated by ongoing exposure to disrespectful behaviour.
A sense of helplessness, sadness, and lack of hope may be present.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) -In some circumstances, exposure to disrespectful behaviour repeatedly might cause PTSD.
This may involve signs including scenes from the past (flashbacks), unpleasant thoughts, and avoidance behaviours.
Physical Health and Other Issues
Physical health problems – Your physical health could be negatively impacted by ongoing stress brought on by disrespectful actions.
It’s possible to experience symptoms including headaches, fatigue, and digestive problems.
Immune System Erosion – According to Dr Gottman, contempt erodes the immune system.
At the end of this short video, Dr Gottman reveals that, Dr Janice Kiecolt Glaser and Dr Ron Glaser (late) of Ohio State University, have documented how T lymphocytes don’t proliferate as much – Natural cells which are cytotoxic against tumors are not as effective in relationships that has contempt and criticism in it, says Dr Gottman.
Difficulty trusting others – It could be difficult to trust people in the future if you have repeatedly experienced disrespectful behaviour.
You can develop an excessive need for validation and assurance from other people, or you might become too watchful and dubious of others’ motives.
If someone in your relationship is acting disrespectfully towards you, it’s crucial to get support.
You can create coping mechanisms for the effects of emotional abuse with the aid of a therapist or counsellor who can also assist you in processing your emotions.
When left unchecked, contempt can develop into a full-fledged stage of detachment (At this point, one or both of you may have given up on attempting to improve your relationship or resolve your differences), leaving you and your partner feeling isolated and disconnected from one another.
Video showing two of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Dr. John Gottman borrowed the phrase, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” from the Bible, New Testament book of Revelation, where the four horsemen spell the end of days.
| Dr. John Gottman is a well-known psychologist and researcher who has studied couples and relationships for over 40 years. He and his associates developed several theories and methods for predicting and improving the success of marriages, including identifying four negative patterns that can predict divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. His research has been influential in the field of relationship therapy and has helped many couples to strengthen their relationships. |
In this 4 minute video clip, Anderson Cooper, an American journalist, television host, and author hosts Dr Gottman.
They discuss two of the four negative patterns that spell “the end of days” for couples.
Dr Gottman explains the first pattern (the first horseman); criticism, which is when one partner attacks the other person’s character.
This pattern of criticism leads to an escalation of the conflict, and can damage the relationship, says Dr Gottman.
The second pattern is contempt, which involves acting superior to one’s partner and disrespecting them.
According to Dr Gottman, contempt is the best predictor of divorce and can also erode the immune system of the partner being mocked.
Defensiveness and stonewalling are the other two destructive patterns that this video does not address here.
General Outlook
For the rest of this article, we’ll look at the examples / signs and root causes of contempt in a relationship, compare contempt to resentment, and discuss how to respond when our partner shows contempt for us.
We’ll also look at the detachment stage of contempt and offer strategies for how to constructively address contempt to repair and rebuild your relationship.
So, what causes feelings of contempt in a relationship, and how do we break the cycle?
What Causes Contempt in a Relationship?
Contempt in a relationship can result from a number of things, such as:
- Poor communication
- Unresolved conflicts
- Power struggles
- Disrespect
- Betrayal
- Fundamental incompatibility
- Lack of appreciation
- Significant differences in values and lifestyle
- Mental health issues
- Trauma or unresolved issues
As previously mentioned, contempt is a common problem that can arise in relationships and can have a damaging impact on the relationship. Let’s briefly look into the above causal factors.
Poor communication is one such fundamental factor that can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of emotional connection, ultimately leading to contemptuous behaviour.
Unresolved conflicts and the accumulation of negative emotions can also contribute to contempt, as can power struggles where you or your partner attempts to control or exert power over each other.
Disrespect for each other’s feelings, opinions, and boundaries can also contribute to contempt in a relationship.
Betrayal, such as infidelity, lying, or other forms of betrayal, can cause deep wounds and erode trust, leading to feelings of disgust and contempt.
Fundamental incompatibility is another factor that can lead to contempt, as you may struggle to meet each other’s needs.
Lack of appreciation of efforts and contributions in a relationship can also contribute to contempt as you or your partner may begin to feel undervalued and resentful.
Similar to fundamental incompatibility, having substantial differences in values and lifestyle can make it difficult for you to understand one another and contribute to contempt.
For example, your partner may be dismissive of your choices or beliefs.
Mental health issues can also contribute to contempt in a relationship, as a person’s mood, behavior, and ability to connect with others may be affected.
Trauma or unresolved issues from previous relationships can also lead to contempt in a new relationship.
It can be helpful to seek professional assistance for mental health problems or unresolved trauma, to prevent contempt and foster a positive relationship.
Understanding the causes of contempt in a relationship is crucial for dealing with the root causes of contempt.
Additionally, it’s critical to recognise the early warning signs of contempt so that you can stop the cycle and eradicate it from the inside out before it destroys your relationship.
So, what are the signs and examples of disdain, and what is the difference between the two?
Signs of Contempt in a Relationship
Signs of Contempt vs Examples of Contempt in Relationships
Although the signs (indications) of contempt in relationships and examples (actual instances) of contempt are not always the same, they can overlap.
In a relationship, showing disrespect may manifest as certain actions, attitudes, or emotional reactions, such as rolling one’s eyes, using sarcasm, or speaking in a dismissive manner.
Both verbal and non-verbal communication can exhibit these signs, which can be covert or overt.
On the other hand, examples of contempt in relationships may refer to particular instances or actions that exhibit contempt, such as insulting or belittling a partner, mockery or ridiculing them, or expressing disapproval or disrespect for them.
Compared to the indications of contempt, these examples may be clearer and easier to spot.
So, While examples of disrespect in a relationship might be more specific behaviours or actions that demonstrate contempt, signs of disrespect in a relationship may be more general indicators of the presence of contempt.
In the following table, I will list the signs of contemptuous behavior and examples of contemptuous behavior in a relationship.
Notice how these can overlap as already discussed.
As an effort to make it easier to identify patterns in behavior, and address them more effectively, I shall categorize the signs into clusters, and give examples of contempt for each category.
I’ll also include some of the signs mentioned in the preceding discussion for completeness.
The inclusion is also necessary so that you can understand how the signs of disdain relate to, and overlap with the examples of contempt.
| DISCLAIMER: In the following examples where I use dialogue between partners, I will refer to “You” and “Your partner” for illustration purposes only. This does not in any way, shape, or form implicate you or your partner. Please DO NOT take these dialogues personal. |
21 Signs and Examples of Contempt in a Relationship
| Categories of the signs of contemptuous behavior in a relationship | Examples of contemptuous behavior in a relationship |
|---|---|
| 1. Verbal behaviors | (a) Insulting or belittling a partner’s intelligence. (b)Using derogatory terms. (c) Interrupting or talking over a partner. |
| 2. Non-verbal behaviors | (a) Rolling eyes. (b) Turning away from a partner. (c) Raising one side of the lip. |
| 3. Disrespecting boundaries | (a) Dismissing a partner’s opinions or feelings. (b) Withholding affection or attention as a way to punish a partner. (c) Engaging in behavior that violates a partner’s trust. |
| 4. Power struggles | (a) Attempting to control a partner’s behavior. (b) Using threats or intimidation to get what one wants. (c) Refusing to compromise or negotiate. |
| 5. Lack of appreciation | (a) Failing to acknowledge a partner’s contributions or accomplishments. (b) Taking a partner’s efforts for granted. (c) Ignoring a partner’s attempts to show love or affection. |
| 6. Fundamental incompatibility | (a) Having different goals or priorities in life. (b)Holding different values or beliefs about important issues. (c) struggling to understand or relate to each other’s perspectives. |
| 7. Trauma or mental health issues | (a) Struggling with anxiety or depression that affects the ability to connect with a partner. (b) Reacting to a partner’s behavior in a way that is disproportionate to the situation due to unresolved trauma. (c) Engaging in destructive behavior as a way to cope with past trauma or mental health challenges. |
| 8. Lack of empathy | (a) Dismissing a partner’s emotions. (b) Failing to listen or validate a partner’s feelings. (c) Minimizing a partner’s concerns. |
| 9. Public humiliation | (a) Criticizing a partner in front of others. (b) Making jokes at a partner’s expense. (c) Embarrassing a partner in public. |
| 10. Emotional abuse | (a) Threatening to leave or end the relationship as a way to control a partner. (b) Gaslighting a partner by denying or minimizing their experiences. (c)Blaming a partner for problems in the relationship. |
| 11. Stonewalling | (a) Refusing to communicate or engage in conflict resolution. Giving the silent treatment as a way to punish a partner. Withdrawing emotionally or physically from a partner. |
| 12. Passive-aggressive behavior | (a) Indirectly expressing anger or frustration through sarcasm or subtle insults. (b) Procrastinating or intentionally being late to events as a way to cause stress for a partner. (c) Expressing agreement with a partner but then failing to follow through. |
| 13. Contemptuous tone of voice | (a) Using a condescending or mocking tone when speaking to a partner. (b) Using sarcasm or irony to belittle a partner. (c)Using a disgusted or disdainful tone when referring to a partner. |
| 14. Infidelity | (a) Engaging in physical or emotional affairs outside the relationship. (b) Hiding or lying about interactions with others. (c) Failing to prioritize the relationship over other potential romantic interests. |
| 15. Physical aggression | (a) Hitting, pushing, or physically (b) harming a partner. (c) Damaging property as a way to intimidate or control a partner. |
| 16. Neglect | (a)Failing to provide emotional or physical support. (b) Ignoring a partner’s needs or requests. (c) Withholding basic necessities as a way to control or punish a partner. |
| 17. Withholding affection | (a) Refusing to show love or intimacy. (b) Giving the “cold shoulder” as a way to punish or control a partner. (c) Failing to engage in physical touch or acts of love. |
| 18. Dismissive behavior | (a) Ignoring a partner’s attempts to communicate or connect. (b) Failing to listen or pay attention to a partner. (c) Disregarding a partner’s perspective or point of view. |
| 19. Financial abuse | (a) Controlling or limiting a partner’s access to money. (b) Refusing to contribute financially to the relationship. (c) Using money as a way to control or manipulate a partner. |
| 20. Sexual coercion | (a) Forcing a partner to engage in sexual acts against their will. (b) Using threats or intimidation to coerce a partner into sexual activity. (c) Disregarding a partner’s lack of interest or discomfort with sexual activity. |
| 21. Lack of trust | (a) Engaging in behavior that violates a partner’s trust, such as lying or cheating. (b) Failing to follow through on commitments or promises. (c) Being overly suspicious or jealous of a partner. |
To better grasp how these characteristics translate to disdain and how to respond to contempt, let’s briefly describe these categories through example dialogues.
1. Verbal behaviors
In a relationship, contempt is a toxic form of communication that can appear in a wide range of verbal behaviors. It involves treating one’s partner with disrespect, scorn, or arrogance, frequently coupled with a feeling of moral superiority.
Verbal attack of the individual rather than resolving the issue is a common component of contemptuous behaviour.
The main difference between contemptuous and non-contemptuous verbal behavior is the presence of disrespectful, disdainful, and superior language and tone in contemptuous behavior, whereas non-contemptuous behavior includes respectful communication, empathy, and a willingness to work together to find solutions.
Example: Insulting or belittling a partner’s intelligence.
Consider the following example of contemptuous and non-contemptuous verbal behaviors.
Contemptuous verbal behavior:
YOU: “I’m very disappointed that you forgot our anniversary. It’s an important day for me, and I get the impression you don’t care.”
Your partner: “You’re such a drama queen, wow. It’s just a pointless anniversary. You are always creating something from nothing. You’re acting very emotional right now.”
In this case, your partner is using contemptuous verbal behaviour to belittle your feelings and to dismiss your concerns.
The use of words like “pointless” and “drama queen” shows contempt for your emotions, and the tone is condescending and superior, implying that you are unreasonable or overly emotional.
On the other hand, here’s an example of non-contemptuous verbal behaviour in a similar situation:
Non-contemptuous behavior:
You: “I’m very disappointed that you forgot our anniversary. It’s an important day for me, and I get the impression you don’t care.”
Your partner: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to forget. I understand why you’re disappointed, and I’ll make it right. “Can we talk about it and come up with a solution together?”
In this case, your partner is apologising for their error, acknowledging your feelings, and demonstrating their willingness to cooperate in finding a solution.
Without using any belittling or dismissive language, the tone is one of respect, empathy, and collaboration.
Tip: To maintain a positive and satisfying relationship, it is essential to be mindful of how we communicate with our partners and to work towards healthy, respectful communication.
2. Non-Verbal behaviors
In a relationship, contempt can also be expressed non-verbally, which can be just as harmful.
Non-verbal contemptuous behaviour includes actions, gestures, and expressions that convey superiority over or disrespect for one’s partner.
Contemptuous non-verbal behaviour is characterised by the use of disrespectful, dismissive, or mocking gestures and expressions, whereas non-contemptuous non-verbal behaviour exhibits respectful, attentive, and empathetic non-verbal cues.
Example: Rolling eyes, scoffing and using sarcastic facial expressions
Take note of the following examples:
Contemptuous non-verbal behavior
You expresses dissatisfaction over something, and your partner rolls their eyes, scoffs, or makes mocking gestures, such as mimicking your words whilst using sarcastic facial expressions.
They may also use negative body language, such as crossing their arms, turning away, or waving their hands dismissively.
In this case, your partner’s nonverbal expressions show disrespect for you.
Eye rolling, frowning, mocking gestures, and negative body language all communicate that your partner does not take your concerns seriously and that they feel superior to or dismissive of your dissatisfaction.
On the other hand, here’s an example of non-contemptuous non-verbal behaviour in a similar situation:
Non-contemptuous non-verbal behaviour
As you express displeasure over something, your partner maintains eye contact, nods in agreement, and displays open and attentive body language.
They may also offer a reassuring touch, such as holding your hand, or express genuine concern and empathy through their facial expression.
Your partner’s non-verbal communication in this situation demonstrates respect for you.
Your partner conveys active listening, empathy, and serious consideration for your worries through attentive eye contact, nodding, open body language, and comforting touch.
Tip: Non-verbal contemptuous behaviour, like verbal contemptuous behaviour, can be hurtful and damaging to a relationship.
As with verbal behaviour, to maintain healthy and positive relationships, we must be mindful of our non-verbal messages and strive for respectful and empathetic communication with our partners.
3. Disrespecting boundaries
Contempt can be damaging to the relationship and the well-being of both partners. Contemptuous behaviour in a relationship frequently involves disrespecting boundaries by displaying superiority, disrespect, or dismissivenes towards a partner’s feelings or needs.
Non-contemptuous behaviour, on the other hand, entails acknowledging and respecting boundaries, demonstrating empathy, and engaging in constructive communication to address unmet needs.
Example: Dismissing a partner’s opinions or feelings.
The following example illustrates the difference between contemptuous behavior and non-contemptuous behavior in the context of expressing dissatisfaction over an unmet need.
contemptuous behavior
You: “I really needed your support today, but I noticed that you were busy with your friends. It would have meant a lot to me if you could have been there for me.”
Your partner: (with a sneer): “Oh, here we go again with your constant neediness. You’re always so demanding, get over it.”
Your partner’s response in this example is contemptuous. They are dismissive and condescending towards your expressed need for support.
Your partner is dismissive of your feelings and makes derogatory remarks that are disrespectful and violate your boundaries.
This behaviour is detrimental because it undermines your emotions and dismisses your legitimate need for support, resulting in emotional harm and relationship damage.
Non-contemptuous behavior
You: “I really needed your support today, but I noticed that you were busy with your friends. It would have meant a lot to me if you could have been there for me.”
Your partner: “I apologize if I wasn’t there for you. I didn’t realize it was that important to you. I’ll make sure to prioritize your needs next time.”
Your partner’s response in this example is not contemptuous. They express sympathy for your feelings.
They accept responsibility for failing to meet your needs and pledge to do better in the future.
Your partner respects your boundaries by not dismissing or belittling your emotions and instead responds constructively.
Tip: It’s important to cultivate healthy communication patterns and mutual respect in relationships to avoid contemptuous behavior and promote a healthy and thriving partnership.
4. Power struggles
Power struggles in a relationship can be a sign of contempt when one partner acts disrespectfully and despicably in an attempt to assert control and power over the other.
Frequently, this can lead to a toxic dynamic that undermines trust and harms the relationship.
Example: Attempting to control a partner’s behavior.
Consider the following example:
Contemptuous behavior – asserting control and power
You: “I don’t want you to go out with your friends tonight. You should stay home and spend time with me.”
Your partner: “But I’ve already made plans with my friends. I’ll be back by 10 p.m.”
You: (contemptuous behavior): “You never prioritize our relationship. You always put your friends before me. You’re so selfish and inconsiderate. I can’t believe I have to deal with this.”
In this example, you are displaying contemptuous behavior by belittling and demeaning your partner.
You are using negative language, attacking your partner’s character, and showing disdain towards your partner’s desire to spend time with friends.
This behavior seeks to assert power and control over your partner by making them feel guilty and inferior.
In contrast, here’s an example of non-contemptuous behavior in a similar situation.
Non-contemptuous behavior – empathy and understanding
You: “I would really appreciate it if you could stay home tonight and spend time with me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately.”
Your partner: “I understand, but I’ve already made plans with my friends. I’ll be back by 10 p.m., and we can spend time together then.”
You: (non-contemptuous behavior): “I understand, and I appreciate your honesty. I’ll look forward to spending time with you when you’re back.”
In this example, you are expressing your feelings and desires without attacking your partner’s character or engaging in disrespectful behaviour.
You are expressing your needs in a non-contemptuous manner, and your partner is responding with empathy and understanding.
Tip: It is crucial to keep in mind that disrespectful behaviour can seriously harm a relationship, whereas respectful communication and mutual respect are essential elements of a healthy relationship.
5. Lack of appreciation
Contempt in relationships can also be expressed through a lack of appreciation, in which one partner fails to acknowledge or value the other partner’s efforts and gestures.
This can manifest as disrespect and dismissiveness, which can breed resentment and harm the relationship.
Example: Ignoring a partner’s attempts to show love or affection.
The following is an example of a dialogue showing contemptous behavior and non-contemptuous behavior when one partner ignores another’s attempts to show love or affection.
Contemptuous behavior
You: “I cooked dinner for us tonight.” I worked tirelessly to prepare your favourite dish.”
Your partner: “Oh, whatever. I’m not in the mood for that. I’ll just order takeaway.”
You: (contemptuous behavior): “I can’t believe you’re so ungrateful. I went out of my way to do something nice for you, and you don’t even care. You never appreciate anything I do.”
Your partner is demonstrating contemptuous behaviour in this example by dismissing your efforts and showing a lack of appreciation.
Your partner’s reaction is dismissive and ungrateful, making you feel undervalued and unimportant, and even contemptuous.
Non-contemptuous behavior
You: “I cooked dinner for us tonight.” I worked tirelessly to prepare your favourite dish.”
Your partner: “Thank you for preparing dinner. I appreciate your efforts, but I’m not in the mood for it. Shall we order takeaway instead?”
You: (non-contemptuous behavior): “Sure, that’s fine. Let’s order takeaway then.”
In this example, your partner is expressing gratitude for your efforts, even though they may not want to eat the dinner that was made.
Your partner is being respectful and acknowledging your gesture, while still expressing their preferences.
You are also responding in a non-contemptuous manner, without attacking or belittling your partner.
Tip: It is critical to foster a culture of appreciation and gratitude for each other’s efforts and gestures, as well as to avoid contemptuous behaviour that can harm the relationship.
Maintaining a positive and respectful relationship with your partner requires healthy, effective communication and mutual respect.
6. Fundamental incompatibility
Contemptuous behavior in a relationship can be displayed when partners are fundamentally incompatible in various ways, such as having different values, beliefs, or lifestyles that clash with each other.
Example: struggling to understand or relate to each other’s perspectives.
In this example dialogue between partners, where one partner displays contemptuous behavior towards the other, due to their incompatible goals and priorities:
Contemptuous behavior
You: “I can’t believe you’re still doing that hobby of yours.” It’s such a waste of time and money.”
Your partner: “But I really enjoy it, and it brings me a lot of fulfillment.”
You: (contemptuously): “Fulfillment? That’s absurd. You’re being childish and irresponsible. You should be concentrating on more important things, such as your career, like I am.”
In this example, your contempt is displayed through verbal and non-verbal cues, such as belittling your partner’s hobby, using sarcasm (“that’s absurd“), and expressing disdain towards your partner’s priorities (“childish and irresponsible“).
You show disrespect towards your partner’s values and dismisses their goals and priorities as unimportant, displaying a contemptuous attitude.
Uncontemptuous behavior
The following is an example of non-contemptuous behaviour, even if partners have different goals or priorities.
You : “I understand you enjoy your hobby, but I’m worried about our financial situation. We need to meet some financial goals, and I think we should prioritise saving for them right now.”
Your partner: “I appreciate your concern, but I feel that my hobby is important to me and brings me joy. Can we find a way to balance both our priorities?”
You: “I see where you’re coming from. Let’s talk about it and see if we can come to an agreement that works for both of us”
In this example, you express concern about financial goals without dismissing or mocking your partner’s hobby. You communicate openly, showing respect for your partner’s point of view and expressing a willingness to reach a compromise.
Where partners are fundamentally incompatible, contemptuous behavior is defined by disrespectful, disdainful, and scornful attitudes towards a partner’s incompatible beliefs, values, or priorities.
Whereas, non-contemptuous behaviour involves respectful communication, a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives, and a collaborative approach to finding compromises.
Tip: To address compatibility issues, couples can benefit from clear communication, boundary-setting, and mutual respect.
7. Trauma or mental health issues
When one partner is suffering from anxiety or depression, it can interfere with their ability to connect with the other partner. I
n this context, contemptuous behaviour may include dismissing or belittling the partner’s mental health struggles, displaying impatience or frustration, or displaying a lack of empathy or understanding.
Non-contemptuous behaviour, on the other hand, entails demonstrating empathy, understanding, and support for the partner who is dealing with mental health issues or trauma.
Take a look at the following dialogue between partners A and B, where Partner B has anxiety.
Example: Struggling with anxiety or depression that affects the ability to connect with a partner.
Contemptuous behavior
You: “Why can’t you just get over it? It’s not that big of a deal.”
Your partner: “I’m really struggling with my anxiety right now, and it’s affecting me a lot.”
You: (contemptuously): “You’re always making a big deal out of everything. It’s exhausting to deal with your constant anxiety. Just snap out of it already.”
In this example, your contemptuous behavior is evident in your dismissive attitude towards your partner’s anxiety, belittling your partner’s struggles by minimizing them and showing impatience.
You lack empathy and understanding towards your partner’s mental health issues, which can further strain the relationship, and worsen your partner’s anxiety.
Non-contemptuous behavior
You: “I can see that you’re really struggling right now, and I want you to know that I’m here for you.”
Your partner: “I appreciate your support. I’m finding it hard to cope with my anxiety.”
You: “It’s okay to struggle, and I’m here to support you in any way I can. Let’s work through this together.”
In this example, you show empathy and understanding towards your partner’s struggles with mental health issues or trauma.
You express support and validation for your partner’s emotions, and offers a collaborative approach to work through it together.
This is an example of non-contemptuous behavior, where the partner acknowledges and supports their partner’s mental health challenges without belittling or dismissing them.
Dismissiveness, impatience, a lack of empathy, and belittling are examples of contemptuous behaviour in the context of mental health problems or trauma.
Whereas, non-contemptuous behaviour entails empathy, understanding, support, and a collaborative approach to working through difficulties together.
Tip: It’s critical to approach mental health issues in relationships with empathy and care, and to get professional assistance when necessary.
8. Lack of empathy
One partner’s lack of empathy for the other can lead to toxic contemptuous behaviour in a relationship.
By now it must be clear that contempt involves an attitude of superiority, scorn, and disrespect towards the other person, and it can be detrimental to the emotional health of both partners as well as the stability of the relationship as a whole.
Example: Dismissing a partner’s emotions
The following example shows what contempt might look like where there is lack of empathy, specifically, when one partner dismisses the other’s emotions.
Contemptuous behavior
You: “I had a really tough day at work. My boss criticized my performance in front of everyone, and it made me feel embarrassed and upset.”
Your partner: (contemptuously)” Here we go again. You’re always complaining about your job. Maybe if you weren’t so incompetent, your boss wouldn’t have to criticize you. Can’t you handle anything on your own?”
In this example, your partner displays contempt towards you by belittling your emotions and dismissing your experience.
Your partner’s response is condescending, disrespectful, and lacks empathy.
It implies that you are incompetent and cannot handle your own emotions or workplace challenges, which is demeaning and disrespectful.
Now let’s contrast that with a non-contemptuous response:
Non-contemptuous response
Your partner: “I’m sorry to hear that. That sounds really tough. Tell me more about what happened and how it made you feel.”
In this non-contemptuous response, your partner shows empathy towards you by acknowledging your emotions, expressing sympathy, and showing genuine interest in understanding your experience.
It validates your feelings and creates a safe space for you to share more about your day.
In a relationship, contemptuous behaviour can manifest as disrespectful and dismissive responses that minimise the other person’s emotions or experiences.
Non-contemptuous behaviour, on the other hand, involves empathetic responses that acknowledge and validate the other person’s emotions, thereby creating a supportive and respectful environment for open communication and emotional connection.
Tip: Work on improving your communication skills. Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and it’s essential for creating a safe space where you can both feel heard, understood, and valued.
9. Public humiliation
For the person being targeted, it can be especially painful and humiliating when contempt is displayed in public.
Contemptuous behaviour frequently causes embarrassment and shame because it is meant to diminish, mock, or undermine the other person’s self-esteem in public.
Example: Embarrassing a partner in public.
Consider the following dialogue;
Contemptuous behavior
You: “Oh no, I forgot the keys to the cabin. I’m sorry, I’ll go back and get them.”
Your partner: (in front of friends) “Wow, look at the genius at work, everyone! Can’t even do a simple task right.”
You: (feeling embarrassed and humiliated) “That’s not true. Stop making fun of me in front of everyone.”
Your partner: “Relax, it’s just a joke. You’re so sensitive.”
Non-Contemptuous Behavior:
You: “Oh no, I forgot the keys to the cabin. I’m sorry, I’ll go back and get them.”
Your partner: (in front of friends) “No worries, mistakes happen. We’ll wait here for you.”
You: “Thanks, I appreciate your understanding.”
In the first example, your partner displays contemptuous behavior by mocking and belittling you in front of others, using sarcasm and insults.
This behaviour humiliates you and undermines your self-esteem. Your partner shows a lack of respect and empathy towards you, and dismisses your feelings when confronted.
In the second example, your partner responds with understanding and support, acknowledging the mistake without humiliating or ridiculing you.
This non-contemptuous behaviour shows respect and consideration towards you, and a willingness to work through the situation together.
Tip: To maintain a healthy and loving relationship, it is critical to communicate with kindness, empathy, and respect in both private and public settings.
10. Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse, including gaslighting, is a harmful behaviour in which one partner manipulates and invalidates the other’s emotions, experiences, and perceptions.
It can be extremely harmful to the victim’s mental and emotional well-being.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse in which one person manipulates another by denying or downplaying their experiences, perceptions, or emotions, causing the victim to doubt their reality or sanity.
It entails the abuser purposefully distorting the truth or undermining the victim’s thoughts and feelings, frequently in a persistent and sneaky manner.
Gaslighting can be subtle and difficult to detect because the abuser may use denial, blame-shifting, or invalidation to make the victim question their own perceptions and beliefs.
Gaslighting is used to gain power and control over the victim, leaving them confused, self-conscious, and emotionally vulnerable.
Example: Gaslighting a partner by denying or minimizing their experiences.
Consider the following example dialogue, which demonstrates gaslighting behavior where one partner denies or downplay the other partner’s experiences.
Gaslighting Behavior / contemptuous
You: (angrily) “You’re overreacting again. It’s not a big deal.”
Your partner: (upset) “I feel hurt when you talk to me like that. It’s not okay.”
You: (in front of others) “Look at them, always being overly dramatic. Can’t handle any criticism.”
Your partner: (feeling invalidated and confused) “But I’m just expressing my feelings.”
You: “You’re just being too sensitive, as usual. You’re imagining things.”
Non-Gaslighting Behavior / non-contemptuous
You: “I understand that you’re upset, and I’m sorry for my tone. Let’s talk about it.”
Your partner: (calmly) “Thank you for acknowledging it. I feel hurt when you speak harshly.”
You: “I apologize for my tone. Let’s figure out how we can resolve this together.”
Your partner: “I appreciate that. Let’s work on it.”
In the first example, you engage in gaslighting behavior by denying and minimizing your partner’s emotions and experiences, dismissing them as overly sensitive and imagining things.
This behaviour is manipulative and undermines your partner’s reality, causing confusion and self-doubt.
In the second example, you acknowledges your partner’s emotions, takes responsibility for their tone, and express a willingness to address the issue together.
This non-gaslighting behaviour validates your partner’s feelings and demonstrates empathy and respect for their perspective.
Related article ===> 10 Signs of Gaslighting
Tip: It is important to recognize the signs of gaslighting and seek support if you suspect you are a victim of gaslighting in a relationship.
11. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a behaviour that often accompanies contempt and occurs when one partner in a relationship refuses to engage, communicate, or participate in conflict resolution.
Stonewalling and contemptuous behaviour can be harmful to relationships because they create a negative cycle of communication breakdown and emotional disconnection.
Example: Refusing to communicate or engage in conflict resolution.
In the following example, dialogue between you and your partner demonstrate one scenario where you display contemptuous behaviour through stonewalling, and another scenario where you use non-contemptuous behaviour to address the conflict.
Scenario 1: Contemptuous Behavior with Stonewalling
You: “I can’t believe you forgot our anniversary again. You never remember anything important.”
Your partner: “I’m sorry, I had a busy day at work and it slipped my mind. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
You: “Whatever. You always make promises you can’t keep. I don’t even want to talk to you right now.”
You then proceed to ignore your partner’s attempts to communicate, walks away, and refuses to engage in any further discussion about the issue.
In this scenario, you are displaying contemptuous behavior by belittling your partner and expressing superiority.
You are also stonewalling by refusing to communicate and shutting down any attempts at conflict resolution.
This behaviour leaves your partner feeling unheard and dismissed, and it further escalates the conflict.
Scenario 2: Non-Contemptuous Behavior without Stonewalling
You: “I was hurt when you forgot our anniversary again. It made me feel unimportant and neglected.”
Your Partner: “I’m sorry, I messed up. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. Can we talk about it and find a solution together?”
You: “I appreciate your apology. Yes, let’s talk about it and figure out how to avoid this in the future.”
You both engage in an open and respectful dialogue, expressing your feelings and needs.
You do not belittle or demean your partner, and instead focuses on expressing your emotions and working towards a resolution.
You actively participate in the conflict resolution process without stonewalling or refusing to communicate.
In this scenario, you are using non-contemptuous behavior by expressing your feelings without displaying superiority or disdain towards your partner.
You are also not stonewalling, but instead actively engaging in communication and conflict resolution, which promotes healthy and constructive resolution of the issue.
Tip: Addressing and resolving these behaviours requires open and respectful communication, active engagement, and a willingness to collaborate towards resolution.
12. Passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior, is a form of indirect expression of anger or frustration, often characterized by sarcasm, subtle insults, or backhanded compliments.
Example: Indirectly expressing anger or frustration through sarcasm or subtle insults.
Let’s say you and your partner had a dialogue where you display contemptuous behavior through passive-aggressive communication, it will go something like this;
Contemptuous behavior
You: “Oh, look who finally decided to show up. I guess you were too busy doing whatever it is you do.”
Your Partner: “I’m sorry, I got caught up at work. It’s been a busy day.”
You: “Busy? Right. I’m sure you were just having a grand old time without me.”
In this example, you are using sarcasm and subtle insults to express contempt towards your partner. The tone is condescending and dismissive, and you are belittling your partner’s explanation for being late.
Now, let’s take a look at when you express anger or frustration non-contemptuously.
Non-contemptuous behavior
You: “I noticed you forgot to take out the trash again. Can you please make sure to do it next time?”
Your partner: “Oops, my bad. I’ll remember next time.”
You: “It’s important to me that we share household responsibilities equally, including taking out the trash. Thanks for understanding.”
In this example, you are assertively expressing frustration about your partner forgetting to take out the trash, but without using sarcasm, insults, or belittling language.
The tone is respectful and focused on clear communication and problem-solving.
Tip: To create and sustain a positive and supportive dynamic in relationships, it is critical to strive for healthy, respectful communication.
13. Contemptuous tone of voice
Disrespect in a relationship can also be displayed through a contemptuous tone of voice, which conveys disdain, disrespect, or superiority.
Example: Using a condescending or mocking tone when speaking to a partner.
Consider the following example;
Contemptuous behavior
You: (in a mocking tone): “Oh, look who finally decided to join the conversation. Do you even know what we’re talking about, or are you too busy being clueless?”
Your partner: “I was just catching up on some work. Sorry for not paying full attention.”
You: (with contemptuous tone): “Of course, work is always more important than anything else. Just like always.”
In this example, you are using a mocking and condescending tone to express contempt towards your partner.
The tone is derogatory and dismissive, and you are belittling your partner’s participation in the conversation while also making a sarcastic remark about their priorities.
Non-contemptuous behavior:
You: (in a calm tone): “I noticed that you seemed distracted during our conversation. Can we make sure we’re fully present when we’re talking to each other?”
Your partner: “I apologize, I had some work emails come in that needed my attention.”
You: (in a respectful tone): “I understand, but it would mean a lot to me if we could prioritize our conversations when we’re spending time together.”
In this example, you are assertively expressing your concern about your partner’s distraction during your conversation, but without using a contemptuous tone.
The tone is calm, respectful, and focused on addressing the issue constructively.
Tip: Once more, It is critical to strive for respectful communication in relationships in order to foster healthy and positive interactions.
14. Infidelity
Infidelity is a form of disrespect in a relationship in which one partner engages in physical or emotional affairs outside of the committed relationship without their partner’s knowledge or consent.
Infidelity can be viewed as a form of contempt because it involves a betrayal of trust, disregard for the other partner’s commitment and emotional well-being, and a sense of superiority or entitlement.
Example: Engaging in physical or emotional affairs outside the relationship.
Consider the following dialogue example:
contemptuous behavior through infidelity:
You: “I’m going out with some friends tonight.”
Your partner: “Okay, have fun!”
(Several days later)
You: (Hesitates) “I have something to tell you. I’ve been seeing someone else.”
Your partner: “What? How could you do this to me?”
You: “Oh, come on. You’re always so busy with work and other things. I needed someone who would actually pay attention to me.”
In this example, you engaged in infidelity, betraying the trust of your partner.
Your tone and behaviour reflect a sense of superiority, dismissing your partner’s feelings and justifying the infidelity by belittling your partner’s availability and attention in the relationship.
This displays contempt towards your partner, showing a lack of regard for their emotions and disregarding the commitment of the relationship.
Non-contemptuous behavior (non-infidelity)
You: “I feel like we’ve been growing apart lately. I’m feeling neglected and disconnected from you.”
Your partner: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve been stressed with work, but I want to work on our relationship together.”
You: “I understand. Let’s make an effort to spend more quality time together and communicate better.”
In this example, you express your feelings and concerns about the relationship to your partner in a non-contemptuous manner.
Your partner responds with empathy and a willingness to work on the relationship together, showing respect for your emotions and commitment to the relationship.
There is no engagement in infidelity or contemptuous behaviour.
Infidelity, which involves betraying trust and disregarding a partner’s commitment, is one way to show contemptuous behaviour in a relationship.
Contrarily, non-contemptuous behaviour entails commitment to upholding trust and mutual respect as well as open and respectful communication.
Tip: It’s crucial to promote healthy and respectful relationships by refraining from disrespectful behaviour and dealing with any problems through open and productive communication.
15. Physical aggression
Physical aggression, which involves one partner using physical force or violence to intimidate, hurt, or control their partner, is one way that contempt in a relationship can be shown.
In addition to being harmful, physical aggression as a form of contempt demonstrates a blatant lack of respect, a disregard for boundaries, and a sense of entitlement or superiority.
Example: Damaging property as a way to intimidate or control a partner
Have a look at the following dialogue of contemptuous behavior through physical aggression:
Contemptuous behavior (physical aggression)
You: (Shouting) “You never listen to me! You’re so stupid!”
Your partner: “Please don’t yell at me. I’m trying to understand.”
You: (Gets up and slam your fist on the table) “You’re just pathetic! I can’t stand being around you!”
Your partner: (Starts to cry) “Stop it! You’re scaring me!”
In this example, you engages in physical aggression by shouting, slamming your fist on the table, and using derogatory language towards your partner.
Your behaviour is intended to intimidate and belittle your partner, showing contempt towards them.
Your partner’s response indicates fear and distress, which is a clear indication of the harmful effects of contemptuous behavior through physical aggression.
Non-contemptuous behavior (non-physical aggression)
You: “I’m frustrated because I feel like my opinions are not being heard.”
Your partner: “I apologize. I’ll try to be more attentive in the future.”
You: “Thank you. It’s important for us to communicate better and understand each other’s perspectives.”
In this example, you express your frustration in a non-contemptuous manner, using “I” statements and expressing your feelings and concerns without resorting to physical aggression.
Your partner responds with understanding and a willingness to improve the communication in the relationship, showing respect for your emotions and a commitment to mutual understanding.
Tip: It is critical to prioritise healthy, nonviolent communication in relationships and to seek help if there are signs of physical aggression or contemptuous behaviour.
16. Neglect
Neglect can also be used to express contempt in relationships, when one partner fails to provide emotional or physical support, care, or attention to their partner.
Neglect manifests as indifference, apathy, or a lack of investment in the relationship, resulting in emotional distance and disconnection.
Example: Failing to provide emotional or physical support.
Contemptuous behavior
You: (Playing video games and ignoring your partner’s attempts to talk) “Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Your partner: “I wanted to talk to you about something important. Can you please put down the game for a moment?”
You: (Rolls eyes and continues playing) “It’s always something with you. Can’t you see I need my space?”
Your partner: (Sighs and walks away) “Never mind.”
In this example, you engages in neglect by prioritizing video games over your partner’s attempts to communicate and disregarding your partner’s emotional needs.
Your behaviour shows contempt towards your partner by being dismissive, indifferent, and unresponsive, which can be damaging to the relationship.
Non-contemptuous behavior (non-neglect):
You: (Puts down phone and gives full attention to your partner) “Sure, I’m here. What do you want to talk about?”
Your partner: “I’m feeling really stressed lately, and I could use your support.”
You: “Of course, I’m here for you. Tell me more about what’s been going on.”
Your partner: (Expresses their feelings) “Thank you for listening. It means a lot to me.”
You: “You’re welcome. I care about you, and I want to be there for you.”
In this example, you demonstrates non-contemptuous behavior by actively listening, showing empathy, and providing emotional support to your partner.
You prioritizes your partner’s needs and expresses genuine care and concern, fostering a healthy and supportive dynamic in the relationship.
Neglectful behaviour occurs when one partner fails to provide emotional or physical support, care, or attention to their partner.
Non-contemptuous behaviour, on the other hand, entails actively listening, demonstrating empathy, and supporting one’s partner without ignoring their needs.
Tip: To maintain a healthy and respectful partnership, it is critical to cultivate healthy communication and emotional connection in relationships, as well as address any signs of neglect or contempt.
17. Withholding affection
Contempt in relationships can be expressed through withholding affection, which is the deliberate refusal to show love, care, or intimacy to one’s partner.
This behaviour can be hurtful and damaging to a relationship because it conveys a lack of respect, disapproval, and superiority to the partner.
Example: Refusing to show love or intimacy.
Here’s an example dialogue to show the distinction between contemptuous and non-contemptuous behaviour in which one partner withholds affection:
Contemptuous behavior:
You: (reaches out for a hug) “I had a really tough day at work, I could really use a hug right now.” Your partner: (rolls eyes, crosses arms) “Ugh, you’re always so needy. Can’t you see I’m busy? give me a break.”
Non-contemptuous behavior:
You: (reaches out for a hug) “I had a really tough day at work, I could really use a hug right now.” Your partner: (smiles, embraces you) “I’m sorry to hear that. Of course, I’m here for you. Come here.”
In the first example, your partner displays contemptuous behavior by showing annoyance, dismissing your need for affection, and refusing to provide comfort.
This behavior communicates disaproval and a lack of concern for your emotional well-being, which can create a sense of emotional distance and harm the relationship.
In contrast, in the second example, your partner responds with non-contemptuous behavior by acknowledging your request for affection, showing empathy, and offering comfort.
This behavior communicates care, understanding, and a willingness to meet your emotional needs, which can foster closeness and intimacy in the relationship.
It’s important to note that withholding affection can manifest itself in a variety of ways, including nonverbal and verbal signals like avoiding physical touch, avoiding eye contact, ignoring requests for intimacy, making derogatory comments, or displaying disinterest in the partner’s emotions or needs.
Related article ===> Unmet Needs in a Relationship
Tip: To maintain a positive and fulfilling relationship, it is critical to communicate openly and honestly with one’s partner and to strive to express affection and care in a healthy and respectful manner.
18. Dismissive behavior
Dismissive behavior, which involves disregarding, belittling, or minimizing one’s partner’s perspective or point of view, can show disrespect in a relationship.
This type of behavior can be damaging to a relationship because it conveys disrespect, superiority, and a lack of regard for the partner’s opinions or emotions.
Example: Disregarding a partner’s perspective or point of view.
Consider the following example dialogue to illustrate the difference between contemptuous behaviour and non-contemptuous behaviour where one partner dismisses the other’s perspective:
Contemptuous behavior:
You: “I’m really worried about our finances. I think we need to cut back on expenses.”
Your partner: (rolls eyes, scoffs) “You’re always worrying about money. You’re overreacting, as usual. Just relax and let me handle it.”
Non-contemptuous behavior:
You: “I’m really worried about our finances. I think we need to cut back on expenses.”
Your partner: “I understand your concerns. Let’s talk about it and see if we can come up with a plan together.”
In the first example, your partner displays contemptuous behavior by dismissing your concerns, dismissing your worries, and implying that you are overreacting or being irrational.
This behaviour communicates superiority and disrespect towards your perspective and emotions, which can create resentment and damage the relationship.
In contrast, in the second example, your partner responds with non-contemptuous behaviour by acknowledging your concerns, showing empathy, and expressing a willingness to discuss and find a solution together.
This behaviour communicates respect, understanding, and a collaborative approach towards problem-solving, which can foster healthy communication and mutual respect in the relationship.
It’s important to remember that dismissive behaviour can also take other forms, such as interrupting, ignoring, or discrediting a partner’s ideas, opinions, or emotions.
Tip: To avoid contemptuous behaviour and maintain a healthy and supportive relationship, it is critical to actively listen, validate each other’s perspectives, and engage in respectful communication.
19. Financial abuse
Financial abuse, which involves using money or financial resources to control, manipulate, or dominate a partner, is an example of contempt in a relationship.
This behaviour can be harmful to the relationship because it creates a power imbalance, a lack of autonomy, and a loss of trust.
Example: Controlling or limiting a partner’s access to money.
The following example dialogue illustrate the difference between contemptuous behavior and non-contemptuous behavior where one partner controls or limits the other’s access to money.
Contemptuous behavior:
You: “I want to go back to school to pursue further education, but I’m worried about the cost of tuition.”
Your partner: “Why do you need more education? You’re not smart enough for that. I’ll give you an allowance, and you can only spend it on things I approve.”
Non-contemptuous behavior:
You: “I want to go back to school to pursue further education, but I’m worried about the cost of tuition.”
Your partner: “That’s great! I support your decision. Let’s discuss how we can budget and save for your education together.”
In the first example, your partner displays contemptuous behavior through financial abuse by belittling your desire for further education, demeaning your intelligence, and exerting control by limiting your access to money and imposing strict spending rules.
This behavior communicates disrespect, control, and a lack of autonomy for you, which can result in a toxic dynamic in the relationship.
In contrast, in the second example, your partner responds with non-contemptuous behavior by expressing support for your goals, engaging in a collaborative approach towards financial planning, and showing respect for your autonomy and decision-making.
Tip: This behavior communicates trust, partnership, and a willingness to work together towards common goals, which can foster a healthy and supportive relationship.
20. Sexual coercion
Sexual coercion is a form of disdain in a relationship that involves manipulating, pressuring, or forcing a partner to engage in sexual acts against their will or without their enthusiastic consent.
Because it disregards the other partner’s autonomy, boundaries, and consent, this behaviour can be harmful, traumatic, and damaging to the relationship.
It’s important to note that any sexual activity that doesn’t have enthusiastic and informed consent is unacceptable and illegal.
Example: Forcing a partner to engage in sexual acts against their will.
Here’s an example dialogue to illustrate the difference between contemptuous behaviour and non-contemptuous behaviour where one partner engages in sexual coercion:
Contemptuous behaviour:
You: “I’m not really in the mood for sex tonight.”
Your partner: “Come on, you never want to have sex anymore. You’re just being difficult. We haven’t had sex in weeks, and I need it. Let’s do it anyway.”
Non-contemptuous behavior:
You: “I’m not really in the mood for sex tonight.”
Your partner: “That’s okay, I respect your boundaries. Let’s cuddle or do something else you’re comfortable with.”
In the first example, your partner displays contemptuous behavior through sexual coercion by disregarding your lack of desire for sex, dismissing your boundaries, and using guilt, manipulation, and pressure to try to make you engage in sexual activity.
This behavior communicates disrespect, disregard for consent, and a lack of empathy for your feelings and boundaries, which can result in harm and damage the relationship.
In contrast, in the second example, your partner responds with non-contemptuous behavior by respecting your boundaries, acknowledging your lack of desire for sex, and offering alternative ways to connect that align with your comfort level.
This behavior communicates respect for autonomy, empathy, and a willingness to prioritize consent and boundaries in the relationship, which is crucial for maintaining a healthy and respectful dynamic.
It’s critical to keep in mind that sexual coercion is never appropriate in a relationship.
Consent must always be given voluntarily, with full knowledge, and without being forced, coerced, or under any other duress.
Tip: All sexual interactions within a relationship must prioritise mutual respect and consent, open communication, and listening to each other’s boundaries.
A trusted friend, family member, or professional should be contacted for support if you or someone you know is a victim of sexual abuse or coercion.
21. Lack of trust
A lack of trust in a relationship can manifest contempt in several ways.
When one partner shows contempt for the other, it can erode the foundation of trust that is required for a healthy and functional relationship.
Contempt is a type of disrespect and disregard for one’s partner that can manifest in a variety of behaviours that undermine trust.
Example: Failing to follow through on commitments or promises.
Have a look at the following example dialogue:
Contemptuous behavior:
You: (sighs) “You’re always so forgetful. I can’t believe I have to remind you of everything, including our anniversary. It’s pathetic.”
Your partner: “I’m sorry, I forgot. I’ll make it up to you.”
You: “You better. But I doubt you’ll remember that either.”
Non-contemptuous behavior:
You: “I noticed you didn’t tell me about your plans for tonight. Are you going out?”
Your partner: “No, I’m staying in.”
You: “Okay, I trust you. Just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page.”
In the contemptuous behavior example, you display contempt by belittling and mocking your partner for their forgetfulness.
This behaviour conveys a lack of trust and disrespect towards your partner, which can damage the foundation of trust in the relationship.
On the other hand, in the non-contemptuous behavior example, you expresses concern and ask your partner about their plans in a non-accusatory manner.
You then accepts your partner’s response and acknowledges their trust, which promotes a healthy level of trust in the relationship.
Contemptuous behaviour includes being disrespectful and dismissive of one’s partner, which can lead to a lack of trust in the relationship.
Non-contemptuous behaviour, on the other hand, entails open communication, mutual respect, and actions that promote a healthy and trusting relationship.
Tip: Prioritize open and honest communication.
Often, a lack of trust can arise from misunderstandings or miscommunication, and addressing these issues head-on can help to rebuild trust and reduce contemptuous behaviour.
Contempt vs Resentment
Both contempt and resentment are negative emotions that can occur in interpersonal relationships, but they differ in many significant aspects.
As briefly mentioned earlier, It is possible for contempt and resentment to be related, with one triggering or causing the other, resulting in confusion or overlap between the two emotions.
In such circumstances, resentment and contempt may entangle and even feed off one another, creating a complex muddle of feelings that can be difficult to distinguish.
The following table provides a general comparison between contempt and resentment, but individual experiences may vary.
Contempt vs Resentment In Relationships Table
| Aspect | Contempt | Resentment |
|---|---|---|
| Definition | Feeling of disdain, disrespect, or scorn towards someone, often accompanied by a sense of superiority or condescension | feeling of bitterness or outrage brought on by what one perceives to be another’s misbehaviour or unfair treatment |
| Focus | Perceived inferiority or incompetence of the other person | Perceived injustice or mistreatment inflicted by the other person |
| Expression | Verbal or non-verbal cues such as sarcasm, mocking, eye-rolling, sneering | Behaviors such as withdrawal, passive-aggressiveness, grudging compliance |
| Intensity | Often involves a stronger negative emotion | May be milder in intensity |
| Relationship Impact | Can erode trust and intimacy, damaging to relationships | May be temporary and dissipate with time or resolution of perceived injustice |
| Cognition | Involves a belief that the other person is inherently inferior or unworthy | Fueled by a sense of unfairness or injustice, may not involve negative evaluation of the other person’s character |
| Resolution | May be more difficult to resolve as it involves negative perceptions and attitudes towards the other person’s worth | Can be addressed through communication, conflict resolution, or problem-solving to address perceived injustice |
Contempt and resentment are unpleasant emotions that differ in their definition, focus, expression, intensity, relationship impact, cognition, and resolution.
Understanding these distinctions can aid in recognising and regulating these emotions in interpersonal relationships.
It is critical to talk openly and honestly with others in order to address hatred and resentment in a healthy and helpful manner.
Detachment Stage of Contempt
In interpersonal relationships, the detachment stage of contempt is characterised by a period during which one or both partners grow emotionally, and physically estranged from one another.
During the detachment phase of contempt, you may start to emotionally or physically separate from one another.
You might stop caring about each other, grow distant from your partner, or lose interest in their well-being.
This detachment can manifest in a number of ways, such as less emotional investment, avoided intimacy or proximity, decreased communication, and a general feeling of emotional disengagement.
The detachment stage of contempt can be harmful to relationships because it can undermine trust, emotional intimacy, and connection.
It may also be accompanied by other bad behaviours such as increasing conflict, animosity, or even the relationship’s entire dissolution.
It is vital to highlight that contempt is one of the most destructive emotions in relationships and is linked to an increased likelihood of relationship breakup.
It’s critical to recognise the detachment stage of contempt in a relationship because it might point to the necessity of deliberate measures to mend the relationship, such as open communication, active listening, empathy, and seeking professional treatment through couples therapy or counselling.
In order to get past the detachment stage of contempt and re-establish a healthier and more satisfying relationship, it may be necessary to rebuild trust, communicate better, and deal with underlying problems.
How to Fix Contempt in a Relationship
Dealing with a partner’s contemptuous behavior
It’s apparent that being calm in the face of contempt can be difficult, however, it’s critical to recognise your emotions and discover efficient strategies to handle them.
Here are some approaches to assist you improve your response to your partner’s contempt.
While individual circumstances are different, these strategies should help you to constructively address contempt when your partner treats you with contempt.
Practice emotional awareness by focusing on your emotions and being conscious of your feelings.
Take a minute to pause and consider your feelings without reacting when you feel yourself becoming angry or resentful. This can aid in gaining perspective and avert impulsive choices.
Take a Time-Out if you notice yourself becoming overwhelmed.
If practical, remove yourself from the situation and take some time to calm down and collect your thoughts before responding.
This can assist you in regaining your composure and responding more rationally.
Develop healthy coping strategies to deal with your emotions, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or physical activity.
These tactics can help you manage your emotions in the present and keep them from rising to the point where you explode.
Use assertive communication to convey your opinions and feelings in a clear and courteous manner.
Use “I” expressions to communicate yourself without criticising or blaming your partner. For example, instead of saying “You’re always disrespectful!” say “I feel hurt when you speak to me with contempt.”
Assertive communication can help you express yourself successfully without adding to the fire.
Establish clear boundaries and let your partner know about them. Inform them of the actions you won’t allow in the relationship as well as those that are unacceptable.
Setting up sound boundaries can assist in avoiding the recurrence of disrespectful behaviour.
Consider Couples Therapy if contempt is a persistent problem in your relationship.
A qualified therapist can assist you and your partner in enhancing communication, recognising underlying problems, and creating healthier patterns of interaction.
You may both express your emotions safely and collaborate on positive solutions in couples counselling.
Self-care is essential for managing emotions, so practise self-care.
Make sure to give yourself a high priority and partake in relaxing, rejuvenating, and emotional wellness-maintaining activities.
For your own personal development, this can involve engaging in hobbies, physical activity, spending time with encouraging friends or family members, or seeking individual treatment.
It’s crucial to evaluate the state of your relationship as a whole and to think about getting professional assistance if the disrespectful behaviour continues despite your best efforts to deal with it.
How to Fix Contempt at the Detachment Stage
When a relationship enters the detachment stage of contempt, it’s critical to act quickly to address the underlying problems and seek to mend the relationship.
Listed below are some useful approaches that you can use to heal contempt in your relationship.
- Open and honest communication
Establish a secure environment for this type of conversation with your partner. Be careful not to aggravate the conflict by being critical, defensive, or stonewalling.
In order to genuinely comprehend your partner’s perspective without interrupting or passing judgement, use “I” words to express your needs and feelings.
Active listening is also a good practise.
2. Express empathy and understanding
Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s experiences or feelings, show empathy for them. Make an effort to comprehend their viewpoint and respect their feelings.
This can promote mutual understanding and a sense of connection, both of which are essential for mending a damaged relationship.
3. Address underlying issues:
Determine the root causes of the contempt and detached attitude and deal with them. This can entail looking into old grievances, unfulfilled needs, or unresolved issues.
Accept responsibility for your part in the situation and show a willingness to cooperate in finding answers.
4. Rebuild trust
One of the most important aspects of mending a relationship is rebuilding trust. Be dependable, honour your obligations, and maintain your word.
Communicate openly and truthfully, and have patience since restoring trust takes time.
5. Increase positive interactions
Consciously improve your partner’s favourable interactions. Spend time with each other, partake in enjoyable things together, and show each other gratitude and admiration.
Create a stronger emotional connection by cultivating happy memories.
6. Seek professional help
Think about contacting a couples counsellor or therapist for advice.
A qualified specialist can offer direction, resources, and tactics to assist you in overcoming obstacles and speeding up the healing process.
7. Practice self-care
Self-care is essential to the process of fixing a relationship. Put self-care, which includes self-reflection, self-compassion, and self-regulation, first.
When you look after yourself, you are more able to contribute to your relationship in a positive way.
Rebuilding trust and creating emotional connection requires being persistent, sympathetic, and prepared to cooperate.
The complexity of mending a connection during the detachment stage of contempt can be navigated with the assistance of a professional.
Conclusion
Contempt is a toxic emotion that can quickly poison any relationship.
It arises from negative feelings of disrespect, disdain, and superiority, which can damage a couple’s emotional bond and erode their sense of trust and intimacy.
Understanding the causes and effects of contempt in a relationship is crucial to address its harmful effects.
This article has outlined 21 common signs of contempt in a relationship, with example dialogues, ranging from eye-rolling to gaslighting.
Recognising these signs and learning how to respond to your partner’s contemptuous behaviour is key to preventing further harm.
It is important to communicate your feelings assertively and avoid reacting with defensiveness or aggression.
If you are experiencing disrespect in your relationship, there are steps you can take to repair the damage.
You can work on rebuilding trust and creating a more respectful and supportive environment.
This may involve seeking professional help, practising better communication skills, and learning to forgive and let go of negative emotions.
In summary, contempt is a dangerous emotion that can damage any relationship.
By recognising the symptoms of contempt, understanding its causes and effects, and taking proactive steps to address it, couples can turn around a toxic relationship, avoid further relationship problems, and build stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.
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